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Dołączył(a): marca 02, 2004
Wiadomości: 238
Skąd jesteś: Łódź

PisanieNadesłano: Pt wrz 24, 2004 9:04 am    Temat wiadomości: Psychology humor Odpowiedz cytując

fajna stronka

pozwoliłem sobie wybrać kilka "joków" które przypadły mi do gustu


"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
Version due to Jacques Barber


From: kludge @ (Scott Dorsey)

How to identify scientists:

Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean
but does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that
has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop
on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.

Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes
forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue
jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs
often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing
characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents
which can sound similar to the unwary.

Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots
for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They
are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to
most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology
instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink
beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it.
Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.

CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell
by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many
of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which
confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students
only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a
pasty appearance. CS professors do not use computers and therefore
can be easily identified by their comparative good health with
respect to their students. Many CS professors do not even know how
to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists
in disguise. Avoid these people.

Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without
any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and
pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment
that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers
and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in
restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the
common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left
as an exercise to the student..."

Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone
questions whether psychology is a science. Psych people have
beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology.
If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.


Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient:

Q. How much is two plus two?
A: Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room.

Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

(Contributed by Alex Koun)


Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.


Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).


The Professor's Wish

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."


How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to be willing to change.


How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis... I mean ladder!


Patient to Rogerian therapist: I'm really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.

The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat,
and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy.

Sun Tzu Wu - ART OF WAR
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